Sunday, November 4, 2012

Forgiveness...

Yes, we must explore that oft used word, but a much under practiced and embodied word--forgiveness--if we are going to really talk about loving our enemies. Because, should not forgiveness accompany the love of our enemies? Shouldn't we be able to reach a place of agreeing to disagree without, as Bishop Holston says, being disagreeable? After all hasn't Jesus commanded us as his followers to forgive? Take a look at Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, Mark 11:25, Luke 17:3-4, Matthew 6:14-15, and the well-known and frequently quoted Matthew 18:21-22--"Jesus said, forgive not seven times, but seventy-seven times." The command to forgive just might be a good place to start when thinking about the seemingly impossible call to love our enemies.

Recently a conflict surfaced in my life where someone asked me to forgive another person on their behalf, and I said that I could not so readily offer forgiveness, nor was I willing to forgive without face-to-face conversation with the one who sought my forgiveness. Forgiveness is a relational process that begins with prayer and can be something to work through together (with God,  the forgiver, the one seeking forgiveness and perhaps a third party, like a church, to mediate and keep each party accountable) over time. This person who came to me to accept forgiveness on behalf of another did not have ears to listen, so anger ensued as well as rumors and defamation of my character as an unforgiving pastor. How can a pastor--a pastor--not forgive?! But I have been misunderstood as tends to happen when conflict arises and we do not have ears to really listen beyond words, but only have the tongue and mind of a serpent all too ready to use to attack and defend.

What this person did not hear me say was that it is not that I am unwilling to forgive or be forgiven, but that I am unwilling to say "I'm sorry" without truly meaning it so that our relationship can be reconciled without any lingering grudge threatening to come between us or used as ammunition in the future. It is from my experience that "I'm sorry" is overused without any true feelings of remorse or regret. It's like many of us adults have never moved beyond those years our moms made us say "I'm sorry" when mom and child knew perfectly well there wasn't an ounce of sorrow, pity, compunction, or regret. Such a hollow and yet prolific use of "I'm sorry" makes the meaning of the phrase barren and meaningless. And so because of this observation, I am reluctant to mindlessly mouth "I'm sorry" without my heart being ready to completely forgive, move on and therefore love the one whom I have forgiven with the words "I'm sorry." (Take a look at this Wall Street Journal article and video from 10/29:
http://online.wsj.com/search/term.html?KEYWORDS=when+forgiveness+isn%27t+a+virtue&mod=DNH_S_recent)

Further more, sending a go-between to forgive and to receive forgiveness cheapens forgiveness for both the one whom I have harmed and who has harmed me. I long to forgive and to be forgiven. I do not like unresolved conflict; I do not much care for conflict altogether, but I do know that wherever two or three people are gathered--even in God's name--conflict will arise. Conflict seems to be native in this fallen world and to our human nature, but that does not mean conflict has to control us. Through conflict good can come about and growth can happen if both harmed parties agree to find common ground which to truthfully communicate and listen to one another as both people in need of forgiveness and need to forgive. In a conflict there usually is not a single person or party to blame, but we must be careful to recognize where we have contributed to the conflict--be it great or small. We must avoid God-is-on-my-side syndrome which we, who call ourselves Christians, all too easily fall into when conflict is brews. God is for all people (take a look at 1 Timothy 2:4) and so God is for reconciliation of his people--for the forgiver and the one receiving forgiveness. God desires us to partner with God in forgiveness. To "leave it up to God" or to declare, "I've given it over to God," again, is to cheapen forgiveness because although forgiveness begins in prayer, it does not end there. Prayer leads to action, leads to humbly going to one who has harmed you or whom you have harmed and together seeking a place of reconciliation and forgiveness that leads to peace.

After all the goal of forgiveness--forgiving and being forgiven--is to bring about reconciliation, or to reestablish a relationship, to come to a mutual understanding, to bring about harmony. These do not usually happen in the snap of a finger or over a good night's sleep as my mother tends to think conflict is resolved, or even by silently lifting up the conflict in prayer without any intention of opening ourselves up to the ways God might be leading us to participate in our own reconciliation or the ways God is urging us to take responsibility by seeking out those whom we need reconciliation in order that our relationship with God and others might be reestablished. Conflict resolution usually takes time, work, humility, awkward and uncomfortable conversations with ourselves, God, and one with whom we are in conflict, and of course conflict resolution does take lots of persistent prayer in our own quiet time and communally in the band of a trusted few.

Really thinking about the ways Jesus has challenges us to forgive is a good place to begin working living out God's command to love our enemies. The process of forgiveness is the road to reconciliation, the road to establishing common ground with our enemies where we can disagree without being disagreeable.

Ask yourself:
1.) Who do I need to forgive?
2.) From whom do I need to seek forgiveness?
3.) What is stopping me?
4.) Who can I confide in as an accountability partner to support and challenge me on this road to
forgiveness?